When I was 5, I went to an elementary school in Manhattan. It was called Ps6. I knew how to speak Spanish and English at the time. English was my first and Spanish was my second because my parents wanted to speak Spanish to us. They wanted me and my brothers to learn Spanish at home before we went to school. But the TV show called Dora the explorer helped a lot as well. While being in Ps6 I had to adapt to my surroundings and get used to having other people around me. When I started Spanish later on. MS. Fronia was my Spanish teacher, she wasn’t teaching me Spanish, she was teaching me other Spanish dialogues like Dominican, Puerto Rican and a little bit of Mexican. I understand that all those are so many different dialogues but in the long run it ended up helping me speak Spanish for 3 years. But the more I stayed in that English setting, the more I slowly lost my natural Spanish tongue. I got really aggravated with myself because I wanted to fit in with my family and show them that I’m more than just a “gringa”. To this day my cousins and other half of the family looks at me and sees a white girl that just sits there and looks at them impulsively and says nothing. Me not physically responding to you means I’m understanding and learning all over again which is a hassle and a burden but what can I really do..? Growing up being in a mixed household of Spanish and English is difficult, you can’t pick one, you have to pick both. Knowing that you can’t interact with certain people because you’re ashamed of not being the “Dominican and Puerto Rican” you know you should be is diminishing. I cant say that my English is any better either because I can say that when I speak English I fumble and mentally break when I can’t find a word or I just can’t get what I want out. So you start to stay quiet knowing that there are only little words to say from your Spanish tongue to the tongue you were brought into when you were 5 because people need to grow and prosper. I don’t blame my parents or the people around me. They did what they needed to. To get me a good education, to get me the knowledge they know I am able to possess and carry out into my future as a mother, a partner or even a grandmother. Your parents do things for a reason, my parents spoke Spanish to me for a reason even if my mom spoke Dominican and my dad spoke Puerto Rican. They spoke to me and my brothers in Spanish for a reason that I believe is so that when I need it. I will be there. But is it really there..? I don’t feel it or smell it, or don’t know what right word to use but I know it’s a part of me because it’s in my last name and it’s in my history and my whole family speaks it. Well, partially. From Ps6 until now I’ve bumped into so many people speaking Spanish that when they talk to me in there native tongue I know they look into my eyes and say to themselves “she has no idea what I am talking about”, little do they know you answered my question in English before you switched to Spanish. There are perks you just need to find them and know how to use them. In the long run everyone uses English or tries to as a necessity to fit in and not stand out until they find their group and act like wild wolves that are looking for someone to feed another person downfall like how they were treated in there past.

Last L&L

Story Of The New Beginning 

Before the Graduation our teacher told us to make an essay or a list of things we wanted to achieve while we are now getting close to the end. I decided to write an essay about reading people. I went through a lot in high school. Throughout those 4 years I went down a rekindling hole, we can say. I lost my faith in the individuals surrounding me. So I slowly started to find my way back to reading people and emotionally understanding people. Through writing that essay. It’s like putting all your feelings on paper and letting go but once you stop everything rushes back into your head like a flood.the flood continued until.

During graduation I could feel the tension between the individuals that wronged me and their failure of not getting to those they tried to hurt. You can tell on their faces when they walked the stage. The deafening silence of none applauding for them.  But to be honest they where complaining about how they just want to go home and never see any of those “despicable children” ever again. Sadly their wishes were their command because at the end of the ceremony everyone got pushed out. All you hear is one wave of mixed emotions. Half of my friends were asking others about where I was and if I left yet. I left alright ! I don’t like being boxed in with people, and I don’t like swarms of people. You know if you get swarmed by people and something happens, the first thing you’ll be thinking about is, I’m going to fall on my face and get stepped on or we’re all going to get pushed into the street and get runned over. Those two scenarios are likely to happen at the same time. The ignorance of people is beyond me. But when I got home, it felt like everyone was talking at the same time. It felt like I was in a daze of what happened a few hours ago. No tears of sorrow from losing my friends. Even though I knew what they went through in high school made them stronger. which in turn leads them to a wonderful future that I know they can make. 

But on the contrary I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me and my friends. I knew it was time to say goodbye and move on, but everything was so fast that you can’t process anything. So I told myself you’re gonna have to go through the phases of those good flashbacks and keep moving. Till this day I can’t stop thinking about my four years in that high school. Which is why when people say school is your second home. I believe it. Everyone’s brought up in different houses, learning new things, trying new things, trying to understand what is right and wrong, learning your family’s history and trying to break down all those small to big details, so this way it can help you later on in life. All those little impactful things that we think are stupid and “won’t help us” either improved when you went to high school or allowed you to become lost to allow you to understand all the non-emotional intelligent people. I can say I’ve gotten lost a couple of times but I always go back to what I’ve learned at home. We learn, we adapt, we understand, home is home with people trying to fix their pasts and school is your second home with broken people wanting to be fixed but having nowhere to go. I think that’s why I wasn’t feeling that draining sensation when you lose something. Because I was there home, I was there safe place to be fixed, and they were mine.